Star Track
by Llwynog the Bard
Summary: Hijinks ensue as we follow the Enterprise's 5-year mission. Rated M for crudeness.
1. Chapter 1

_Greetings, Earthmen. Just to be clear, this is intending to be funny, even though probably no one but me will think so. Also, this is parody; I am a fan of Star Trek (obviously), and do not mean to demean or undermine Gene Roddenberry's vision. I don't own Star Trek. Enjoy_

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**Star Track**

**Ch. 1**

_Space; the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship U.S.S. Enterprise. Her five-year mission: to explore strange, new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before._

"To whom are you speaking, Captain?" said the First Officer.

"Oh, Mr. Spork," said the captain. "I didn't realize I'd said that out loud."

"Captain Cork," said the helmsman. "Entering the atmosphere of Planet X."

"Thank you, Mr. Ford," said Cork. The crew of the _Enterprise_ liked to chide their helmsman about his name – Hikaru Hans Solo. "Prepare a landing party."

"Aye, Captain." Solo entered the command into the computer.

"While we're on the subject," said the captain, "Mr. Jackov, do you have suitable coordinates for us to beam down?"

"Aye, Keptain," he said.

"Good. Send them down to Mr. Snott." The captain turned to face his First Officer. "Mr. Spork, would you kindly go and fetch Dr. McCoy? I'll meet you in the transporter room."

When the captain arrived in the transporter room, the ship's chief engineering officer, Montgomery Snott, already had everything prepared for the landing party.

"Alright, Cap'n?"

"Everything seems to be in order," said the captain. "Now we just wait for Mr. Spork and the doctor and then we'll be ready to beam down. If I may, where will those coordinates that Jackov sent down here beam us to?"

"Seems to be a gravel oval with six big rocks in the background, Cap'n," said the engineer. "Pretty standard stuff, from the look of it. Here they come, Cap'n." Sure enough, the doors slid open to reveal First Officer Spork with Dr. Leonard McCoy in tow.

"I don't see why I had to come along, Jim," grumbled the doctor.

"Doctor, this is an unexplored planet," said the captain. "What medical officer would I rather have down there than Boners McCoy?" The landing party took their places on the transporter pads.

"Everyone set? Good. Snotty, beam us down!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Star Track**

**Ch. 2**

"Fascinating," said Mr. Spork upon arrival.

"What's fascinating?" asked the captain.

"Captain, I've taken some tricorder readings, and there appear to be three life forms just over this rise."

"Let's go check it out," said Captain Cork.

The landing party made their way to the top of the rise, where they could see the life forms science officer Spork had mentioned.

"Interesting," said Spork. "Those two have the same appearance as those booger aliens from _Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey_, but the other, I'm not sure of."

"Let's wait and see what they do," suggested Boners. They waited, and without warning, the two B&T aliens pounced on the third and began mercilessly beating it senseless.

"Help!" cried the victim of the attack, in high-pitched English.

"Captain," said the doctor, "we've gotta do something."

"Help!" it cried again. "Meesa in big doodoo!"

"Captain," said Spork, "unless I'm quite mistaken, that life form is a member of the Gungan species. Specifically, I believe that one is none other than Jar Jar Binks."

"Set to Phaser Two," said Captain Cork.

"Are you certain, captain?" asked McCoy.

"Doctor," said Cork, "clearly this is a life or death situation. I repeat, set phasers to kill."

"The captain's logic is sound," agreed Spork.

The landing party hurried down to where the aliens fought. They each set their phasers to kill and took aim.

"Fire!" ordered the captain. The three of them released a beam of phaser energy, and the Gungan disintegrated. Then the B&T aliens stopped to face the landing party from the _Enterprise_.

"Who are you?" demanded the captain. Before answering, the two identical aliens merged into one.

"I am Station," it said.

"_Station_," they all repeated.

"Now," said the captain, "we had our reasons for destroying that alien, but why were you so persistent in beating it to death?"

"Likely the same reason as you," said Station. "It was an indictment of LucasFilm's character creation process, and a blemish on the entire science fiction genre."

"And so you took it upon yourself to end its existence?"

"Indeed, Captain."

"A very logical solution, Captain," offered Spork.

"Yes, Mr. Spork, I agree," said the captain.

"So now what, Jim?" demanded McCoy. Just then, two humans with guitars materialized next to them.

"Now we blast it out live!"

"Wyld Stallyns!" they all cheered.


End file.
